Sunday, February 06, 2011

A-Z Challenge J = Just for the Girls

I know this is gross but it is oh so true.

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors.

Every cubicle is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the floor) down with your pants and assume ' The Stance.

In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.

In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have known there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.

The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the toilet seat. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't know what kind of diseases you could get.

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. 

You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public toilets. It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's so the other girl can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.  

Ladies: Is this accurate?

Gentlemen: Now you know what girls go through.



  1. LOL Oh man how many times has this happened I can't even count. Great Post and yes men this is why we take forever.

  2. It's true! BLH - I had to laugh at the "stance" and the trembling thighs...
    When will someone invent a better system? Wasn't it a man who invented this one? LOL

  3. Thank you for attempting to open the eyes of males everywhere to the dangers of a ladies' public bathroom! New follower. :]

  4. LOL! Thank you Intergalactic Word Salad (I love your name). I think we should start a petition :-)

  5. Oh My God! This is so true! Every dag-on time too. Loved it. Perfect read for a Monday.


  6. Thank you Courtney. Glad you liked it - made a change! :-)

  7. Um, has your correspondent ever experienced the full horror of the French "a la Turque": two treacherous porcelain foot pads either side of a black hole? You will of course be desperate, from the hours avoiding nasty surprises from Dutch caravans at scary speeds on the autoroute, or until this low point, enjoying the candlelit ambiance of an old-fashioned bistro... Try that while wearing white linen trousers, and then talk to me about trembling thighs. ;P
    (Found you on book blogs - I was hoping for more edifying literary discussion...)

  8. LOL Deborah - I know exactly what you're talking about. Yuk.

    Thanks for checking in - usually I post more literary subjects, but this time I made a change (and you should see the amount of hits I've had, there must be a moral somewhere)...

  9. That was so hilarious, and so spot on. Guess we've all been there.

    Fellas, now you know!

  10. OMG this was hilarious!! :)
    Love the ending, so spot on.

    This falls under the "Funny cause it's True" Category for me.


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